Monday, February 22, 2010
About This Blog
I think it's important to mention a few things about this blog. Everything I write about is based on MY life, views and opinions. I am not here to judge the decisions that others make about their own marriages. I can only speak for what I believe is right for me and my situation. I also strongly believe that people that are in marriages that involve violence or substance abuse should seek appropriate professional help IMMEDIATELY - before even considering any kind of reconciliation. Lastly, even though I no longer believe that falling in love is something that just happens, I am a deeply spiritual person and believe that God puts people in our paths so that we may learn from each other and help each other get to the next level of personal growth. So, although I believe I chose D because of the dysfunctional family history I have, I also believe he and I are meant to learn something VITAL from each other. Regardless of whether we end up staying together forever, I know in my heart, we are not done yet.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
What is Love?
I knew a woman once that said she believed that falling in love with her husband was about two people being ready to settle down and wanting to be in love at the same time. She didn't believe in "soul mates" or finding the "right one" for her. She said anyone could be the "right one" given the right circumstances.
I remember feeling sorry for her because I thought she had just settled for this man that would now be in the way of her finding her Mr. Right. Yet she was happily married for several years at the time. I, on the other hand, was 30, single, and still waiting for Mr. right to come along. And then he did. Or so I thought.
Since my last post I've learned two very important things about myself and my situation.
Thing #1: We can decide to love again.
When I asked my therapist how I can rekindle love with my husband, she told me to write a new story about who he is. She explained that when we fall in love, we CHOOSE to do so. We find something in the person that we want and then we begin to write our story about them. Building upon it by gathering evidence to support our belief.
I always thought that love just happens and we can't help who we fall in or out of love with. That it was some kind of divine intervention. But after thinking it over the last few weeks I'm coming to realize that what she said makes sense. I thought about all the guys I dated and thought I had loved. I thought about what it was like when I first met D. I remember wanting him to be "the one". I was ready to settle down and start a family. So I took our physical attraction and the things we had in common and ran with it. Whenever I saw things in him I didn't like, I convinced myself it either wasn't there or that it would go away once we were married. (I know!)
Maya Angelou once said that "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time". D has shown me who he really was from the very beginning. But that didn't fit in with the kind of husband I thought I wanted. So, I covered my eyes. I didn't want to see it. And perhaps I wasn't supposed to see it. If we all could have a vision of what our spouses could be like in 10-20 years, would we still want to marry them? Would we ever even want to date them? If I had handed him a statement that said "in 10 years I'm going to be fat, irritable and blame you for every single thing that goes wrong in our lives", would he have called me again?
I think we are supposed to see our mates through rose colored glasses at first. We are supposed to be initially motivated by lust and physical attraction. That is how the human race multiplies. So what does that mean love is? I'm not sure yet. I think at first it's mostly fantasy and then when the veil is lifted, how we adapt and accept what we see, that's when real love begins. I think acceptance and compassion are the key.
I was so good at developing my story about who he was that I embellished it beyond recognition. I set unrealistic expectations on him based on what I wanted, not what he was capable of. Then, when the square peg refused to fit in the round hole, I became incredibly angry and disappointed.
The story I'd first created about him, disintegrated. I began to believe he wasn't the one. That he was, in fact, the complete opposite of "the one". I began a new story about who he was. Building upon it by gathering evidence to support my belief. I used the same process we go through when falling in love, to fall right out of love with him.
Thing #2: I've let him down just as much, if not more, than he let me down.
When I started to feel let down by him....it showed. I let him know how disappointed I was in him and he began to disappoint me more and more. It became a vicious cycle that led to dysfunction in both of us. If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness. The least attractive man in the world can feel like a god if he has a woman that sees him that way. Same goes if he thinks he's awful. The beliefs we are surrounded by influence the beliefs we have in ourselves. No matter how much self help stuff we learn about loving ourselves, I still think we are all about how we are seen. I am only as good as what the people that are important to me, think of me. That's human nature. And that's how I have let Darrell down. I have been mean, disrespectful and maybe even verbally abusive to him. All because I couldn't face the truth about who he is, years ago. He's not a bad person and I now realize that the majority of his dysfunctions were probably made ten times worse by my cruelty and lack of acceptance for who he was. When he did not live up to my expectations of what a man's role should be in a family, I lashed out at him.
When I think about the kind of men I want my sons to be one day, and I think about the wives I'd want for them, I would want them to offer each other acceptance, love and kindness as their "stories" about each other unravel. That is what I need to start giving Darrell if I want to save this marriage. And even if the marriage is unrepairable, I can still help D rebuild his self-confidence and I can walk away knowing I behaved honorably and treated him with the respect that he deserves.
I have to write a new story about who we both are.
I remember feeling sorry for her because I thought she had just settled for this man that would now be in the way of her finding her Mr. Right. Yet she was happily married for several years at the time. I, on the other hand, was 30, single, and still waiting for Mr. right to come along. And then he did. Or so I thought.
Since my last post I've learned two very important things about myself and my situation.
Thing #1: We can decide to love again.
When I asked my therapist how I can rekindle love with my husband, she told me to write a new story about who he is. She explained that when we fall in love, we CHOOSE to do so. We find something in the person that we want and then we begin to write our story about them. Building upon it by gathering evidence to support our belief.
I always thought that love just happens and we can't help who we fall in or out of love with. That it was some kind of divine intervention. But after thinking it over the last few weeks I'm coming to realize that what she said makes sense. I thought about all the guys I dated and thought I had loved. I thought about what it was like when I first met D. I remember wanting him to be "the one". I was ready to settle down and start a family. So I took our physical attraction and the things we had in common and ran with it. Whenever I saw things in him I didn't like, I convinced myself it either wasn't there or that it would go away once we were married. (I know!)
Maya Angelou once said that "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time". D has shown me who he really was from the very beginning. But that didn't fit in with the kind of husband I thought I wanted. So, I covered my eyes. I didn't want to see it. And perhaps I wasn't supposed to see it. If we all could have a vision of what our spouses could be like in 10-20 years, would we still want to marry them? Would we ever even want to date them? If I had handed him a statement that said "in 10 years I'm going to be fat, irritable and blame you for every single thing that goes wrong in our lives", would he have called me again?
I think we are supposed to see our mates through rose colored glasses at first. We are supposed to be initially motivated by lust and physical attraction. That is how the human race multiplies. So what does that mean love is? I'm not sure yet. I think at first it's mostly fantasy and then when the veil is lifted, how we adapt and accept what we see, that's when real love begins. I think acceptance and compassion are the key.
I was so good at developing my story about who he was that I embellished it beyond recognition. I set unrealistic expectations on him based on what I wanted, not what he was capable of. Then, when the square peg refused to fit in the round hole, I became incredibly angry and disappointed.
The story I'd first created about him, disintegrated. I began to believe he wasn't the one. That he was, in fact, the complete opposite of "the one". I began a new story about who he was. Building upon it by gathering evidence to support my belief. I used the same process we go through when falling in love, to fall right out of love with him.
Thing #2: I've let him down just as much, if not more, than he let me down.
When I started to feel let down by him....it showed. I let him know how disappointed I was in him and he began to disappoint me more and more. It became a vicious cycle that led to dysfunction in both of us. If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness. The least attractive man in the world can feel like a god if he has a woman that sees him that way. Same goes if he thinks he's awful. The beliefs we are surrounded by influence the beliefs we have in ourselves. No matter how much self help stuff we learn about loving ourselves, I still think we are all about how we are seen. I am only as good as what the people that are important to me, think of me. That's human nature. And that's how I have let Darrell down. I have been mean, disrespectful and maybe even verbally abusive to him. All because I couldn't face the truth about who he is, years ago. He's not a bad person and I now realize that the majority of his dysfunctions were probably made ten times worse by my cruelty and lack of acceptance for who he was. When he did not live up to my expectations of what a man's role should be in a family, I lashed out at him.
When I think about the kind of men I want my sons to be one day, and I think about the wives I'd want for them, I would want them to offer each other acceptance, love and kindness as their "stories" about each other unravel. That is what I need to start giving Darrell if I want to save this marriage. And even if the marriage is unrepairable, I can still help D rebuild his self-confidence and I can walk away knowing I behaved honorably and treated him with the respect that he deserves.
I have to write a new story about who we both are.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Eye Opener About Divorce
If someone were to ask me what the most difficult challenge I'm currently facing is, my answer would be my marriage. I've been married for almost 10 years to someone that is the complete opposite of me. He is everything I am not and visa versa but instead of complimenting each others differences, we bring out the worst in each other. The bottom line is, I am not in love with this man anymore. Everything he does offends me in some way. I am beyond the point of reason when it comes to him. He can do no right in my eyes. I'm constantly asking God why he was put in my path if not to torment me and if that is so, what did I do to deserve this.
We are in counseling but not the traditional marriage counseling we've tried over the years. This is "family" counseling and she sees our 7 yr old individually too. Our goal here is to get parent coaching and skills so that our dysfunctional marriage does not transform our children into future dysfunctional adults. One of my first questions to the counselor was "at what point does staying together for the kids do more harm than good?" I was hoping she would give me permission to leave. Because as miserable as I have been I did not feel I could sacrifice my children's happiness by breaking up our family to find my own. So I wanted someone else to tell us that we were ruining our children by staying together and that we should divorce immediately. That very evening if possible. But she didn't say that. Instead she asked me to imagine a different scenario.
In this scenario, my husband is still himself. Completely dependent on me for everything from running our business, raising our children, running the household, managing all our finances, preparing scrumptious meals and more. He's not lazy, he'll perform menial tasks I delegate. But he is not an initiator and does not like confrontation so he can't manage our workers, or deal with difficult customers, doesn't follow up with people that call him, ignores people and situations that make him uncomfortable. And then I leave him. He flounders for a bit after the divorce but soon finds a new wife. A strong woman very much like myself that won't take crap from anyone and isn't afraid to voice opinions, make decisions or take the reigns when no one else will lead the way. He needs a leader and he'll find one. That's what he is attracted to and that is what men like him typically do. (This is still my counselor talking) And now this new wife is in charge of him and my children who are in joint custody and going back and forth between homes. I am trying to consult him on parenting issues or child support payments and he is ignoring my calls because his new wife is not on board with some of the things we need to do for our children. She may have children of her own that she is putting first but D won't stand up for our boys because that's not who he is. So now I have zero control over what is going on with my kids when they are not with me and it won't be D who is leading them in that household. It'll be his new wife. (I hate her already.)
Our therapist then said that because she knows me and my controlling tendencies, she thinks this particular scenario would be my worst nightmare. And she's right. As her story is unfolding my eyes are growing wider in disbelief. Terror, along with a new realization, inches it's way across my whole body, awakening me to the fact that this truly is my absolute worst nightmare of where divorce can lead. It also, just for a fraction of a millisecond, crosses my mind that - I'm gonna have to kill him!
Of course I dismiss that thought right away - with a smirk on my face. I thought it was very funny that the thought crossed my mind because it's so extreme and not something I'd seriously do. But it made me realize how people come to that decision and feel they didn't have other choices. I would never resort to such a thing. But, I now know that I CAN'T leave. There are much scarier, awfuller (is that a real word?) things out there on the other side of this marriage. I just haven't been able to see them. I've been too busy focusing on what I want to run from instead of looking ahead at what I might run into. Like the horror flicks where the girl is running from the ax murderer and keeps looking behind her to see if he's coming and you suddenly see him appear in front of her but she's still looking behind her, running toward her demise. You just want to scream in the theater "STOP!! TURN AROUND!!"
We are in counseling but not the traditional marriage counseling we've tried over the years. This is "family" counseling and she sees our 7 yr old individually too. Our goal here is to get parent coaching and skills so that our dysfunctional marriage does not transform our children into future dysfunctional adults. One of my first questions to the counselor was "at what point does staying together for the kids do more harm than good?" I was hoping she would give me permission to leave. Because as miserable as I have been I did not feel I could sacrifice my children's happiness by breaking up our family to find my own. So I wanted someone else to tell us that we were ruining our children by staying together and that we should divorce immediately. That very evening if possible. But she didn't say that. Instead she asked me to imagine a different scenario.
In this scenario, my husband is still himself. Completely dependent on me for everything from running our business, raising our children, running the household, managing all our finances, preparing scrumptious meals and more. He's not lazy, he'll perform menial tasks I delegate. But he is not an initiator and does not like confrontation so he can't manage our workers, or deal with difficult customers, doesn't follow up with people that call him, ignores people and situations that make him uncomfortable. And then I leave him. He flounders for a bit after the divorce but soon finds a new wife. A strong woman very much like myself that won't take crap from anyone and isn't afraid to voice opinions, make decisions or take the reigns when no one else will lead the way. He needs a leader and he'll find one. That's what he is attracted to and that is what men like him typically do. (This is still my counselor talking) And now this new wife is in charge of him and my children who are in joint custody and going back and forth between homes. I am trying to consult him on parenting issues or child support payments and he is ignoring my calls because his new wife is not on board with some of the things we need to do for our children. She may have children of her own that she is putting first but D won't stand up for our boys because that's not who he is. So now I have zero control over what is going on with my kids when they are not with me and it won't be D who is leading them in that household. It'll be his new wife. (I hate her already.)
Our therapist then said that because she knows me and my controlling tendencies, she thinks this particular scenario would be my worst nightmare. And she's right. As her story is unfolding my eyes are growing wider in disbelief. Terror, along with a new realization, inches it's way across my whole body, awakening me to the fact that this truly is my absolute worst nightmare of where divorce can lead. It also, just for a fraction of a millisecond, crosses my mind that - I'm gonna have to kill him!
Of course I dismiss that thought right away - with a smirk on my face. I thought it was very funny that the thought crossed my mind because it's so extreme and not something I'd seriously do. But it made me realize how people come to that decision and feel they didn't have other choices. I would never resort to such a thing. But, I now know that I CAN'T leave. There are much scarier, awfuller (is that a real word?) things out there on the other side of this marriage. I just haven't been able to see them. I've been too busy focusing on what I want to run from instead of looking ahead at what I might run into. Like the horror flicks where the girl is running from the ax murderer and keeps looking behind her to see if he's coming and you suddenly see him appear in front of her but she's still looking behind her, running toward her demise. You just want to scream in the theater "STOP!! TURN AROUND!!"
The therapist opened my eyes. For all his faults, D is not a bad man and I'd be much better off trying to find peace within my marriage than to try to make peace after the marriage when others could be involved and D won't be as interested in finding peace too. And by the way, he was sitting right there during this session, never once disagreeing with her take on him.
I thought about the picture she painted long and hard until our next session and then I asked "OK, so how do I make this work without staying miserable. Can I find love again with this man?"
This time D wasn't there. And she said "write yourself a new story about who he is. "
This time D wasn't there. And she said "write yourself a new story about who he is. "
More on what that means in my next posting. Thanks for reading my blog today.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Blogging For My Life
Today I have decided that I will start a blog to save my life. I’ve spent the last 2 years reflecting on what life after 40 is supposed to be like. Wondering what life in general is supposed to be like once you’ve taken the major mysteries of youth out of the way. When you’re young and single you are filled with questions and possibilities. You wonder what you’ll be when you grow up, who you’ll marry, how many kids you’ll have. What happens once those questions are answered and then you no longer have the time, energy or spirit to come up with new questions? And you’re only fortysomething. What is living supposed to be? Because I don’t think I’m doing it right. Not the way God intended.
I wake up I feed the kids, dress the kids, take one to school, go home and play with the other, put him down for nap, try to get in showering, working, cleaning, eating, email, and laundry while he sleeps, feed him when he wakes, pick up the other at school, help with homework, make dinner, play a little more and put kids to bed. By now I’m exhausted and ready for bed myself. I adore my children, and playtime is my favorite time of day, but did I mention I also run a business I’m not fond of and manage the household and finances. I have no time for me. No time to do things that feed my soul or make me feel good about myself. I'VE LEFT MYSELF OUT OF MY LIFE. By starving my spirit and depriving my soul, I feel like I’ve died a little inside. And everyday that I don’t do something to resuscitate that spirit, I fear I’ll die a little more inside.
So this blog will be a place where I can begin to figure out and document how to live again. Writing has always been a passion of mine. I will express my frustrations, share my revelations, and reach out to others who may be embarking on a similar journey to find themselves again. With all the difficulties I’ve been having lately, troubled marriage, dire finances, self image issues, parenting issues, dog issues, weight issues, I have to write. I’ll die if I don’t. I’ll die if I don’t give a voice to the thoughts in my head. And the struggles that life throws at you, but nobody dares talk about. I need to talk about those. I need to blog about those.
This is not the life I imagined I would have when I was a young girl still full of hope. There’s more out there and it’s up to me to find it, grab it and drag it home.
Today I will begin blogging - for my life.
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