If someone were to ask me what the most difficult challenge I'm currently facing is, my answer would be my marriage. I've been married for almost 10 years to someone that is the complete opposite of me. He is everything I am not and visa versa but instead of complimenting each others differences, we bring out the worst in each other. The bottom line is, I am not in love with this man anymore. Everything he does offends me in some way. I am beyond the point of reason when it comes to him. He can do no right in my eyes. I'm constantly asking God why he was put in my path if not to torment me and if that is so, what did I do to deserve this.
We are in counseling but not the traditional marriage counseling we've tried over the years. This is "family" counseling and she sees our 7 yr old individually too. Our goal here is to get parent coaching and skills so that our dysfunctional marriage does not transform our children into future dysfunctional adults. One of my first questions to the counselor was "at what point does staying together for the kids do more harm than good?" I was hoping she would give me permission to leave. Because as miserable as I have been I did not feel I could sacrifice my children's happiness by breaking up our family to find my own. So I wanted someone else to tell us that we were ruining our children by staying together and that we should divorce immediately. That very evening if possible. But she didn't say that. Instead she asked me to imagine a different scenario.
In this scenario, my husband is still himself. Completely dependent on me for everything from running our business, raising our children, running the household, managing all our finances, preparing scrumptious meals and more. He's not lazy, he'll perform menial tasks I delegate. But he is not an initiator and does not like confrontation so he can't manage our workers, or deal with difficult customers, doesn't follow up with people that call him, ignores people and situations that make him uncomfortable. And then I leave him. He flounders for a bit after the divorce but soon finds a new wife. A strong woman very much like myself that won't take crap from anyone and isn't afraid to voice opinions, make decisions or take the reigns when no one else will lead the way. He needs a leader and he'll find one. That's what he is attracted to and that is what men like him typically do. (This is still my counselor talking) And now this new wife is in charge of him and my children who are in joint custody and going back and forth between homes. I am trying to consult him on parenting issues or child support payments and he is ignoring my calls because his new wife is not on board with some of the things we need to do for our children. She may have children of her own that she is putting first but D won't stand up for our boys because that's not who he is. So now I have zero control over what is going on with my kids when they are not with me and it won't be D who is leading them in that household. It'll be his new wife. (I hate her already.)
Our therapist then said that because she knows me and my controlling tendencies, she thinks this particular scenario would be my worst nightmare. And she's right. As her story is unfolding my eyes are growing wider in disbelief. Terror, along with a new realization, inches it's way across my whole body, awakening me to the fact that this truly is my absolute worst nightmare of where divorce can lead. It also, just for a fraction of a millisecond, crosses my mind that - I'm gonna have to kill him!
Of course I dismiss that thought right away - with a smirk on my face. I thought it was very funny that the thought crossed my mind because it's so extreme and not something I'd seriously do. But it made me realize how people come to that decision and feel they didn't have other choices. I would never resort to such a thing. But, I now know that I CAN'T leave. There are much scarier, awfuller (is that a real word?) things out there on the other side of this marriage. I just haven't been able to see them. I've been too busy focusing on what I want to run from instead of looking ahead at what I might run into. Like the horror flicks where the girl is running from the ax murderer and keeps looking behind her to see if he's coming and you suddenly see him appear in front of her but she's still looking behind her, running toward her demise. You just want to scream in the theater "STOP!! TURN AROUND!!"
We are in counseling but not the traditional marriage counseling we've tried over the years. This is "family" counseling and she sees our 7 yr old individually too. Our goal here is to get parent coaching and skills so that our dysfunctional marriage does not transform our children into future dysfunctional adults. One of my first questions to the counselor was "at what point does staying together for the kids do more harm than good?" I was hoping she would give me permission to leave. Because as miserable as I have been I did not feel I could sacrifice my children's happiness by breaking up our family to find my own. So I wanted someone else to tell us that we were ruining our children by staying together and that we should divorce immediately. That very evening if possible. But she didn't say that. Instead she asked me to imagine a different scenario.
In this scenario, my husband is still himself. Completely dependent on me for everything from running our business, raising our children, running the household, managing all our finances, preparing scrumptious meals and more. He's not lazy, he'll perform menial tasks I delegate. But he is not an initiator and does not like confrontation so he can't manage our workers, or deal with difficult customers, doesn't follow up with people that call him, ignores people and situations that make him uncomfortable. And then I leave him. He flounders for a bit after the divorce but soon finds a new wife. A strong woman very much like myself that won't take crap from anyone and isn't afraid to voice opinions, make decisions or take the reigns when no one else will lead the way. He needs a leader and he'll find one. That's what he is attracted to and that is what men like him typically do. (This is still my counselor talking) And now this new wife is in charge of him and my children who are in joint custody and going back and forth between homes. I am trying to consult him on parenting issues or child support payments and he is ignoring my calls because his new wife is not on board with some of the things we need to do for our children. She may have children of her own that she is putting first but D won't stand up for our boys because that's not who he is. So now I have zero control over what is going on with my kids when they are not with me and it won't be D who is leading them in that household. It'll be his new wife. (I hate her already.)
Our therapist then said that because she knows me and my controlling tendencies, she thinks this particular scenario would be my worst nightmare. And she's right. As her story is unfolding my eyes are growing wider in disbelief. Terror, along with a new realization, inches it's way across my whole body, awakening me to the fact that this truly is my absolute worst nightmare of where divorce can lead. It also, just for a fraction of a millisecond, crosses my mind that - I'm gonna have to kill him!
Of course I dismiss that thought right away - with a smirk on my face. I thought it was very funny that the thought crossed my mind because it's so extreme and not something I'd seriously do. But it made me realize how people come to that decision and feel they didn't have other choices. I would never resort to such a thing. But, I now know that I CAN'T leave. There are much scarier, awfuller (is that a real word?) things out there on the other side of this marriage. I just haven't been able to see them. I've been too busy focusing on what I want to run from instead of looking ahead at what I might run into. Like the horror flicks where the girl is running from the ax murderer and keeps looking behind her to see if he's coming and you suddenly see him appear in front of her but she's still looking behind her, running toward her demise. You just want to scream in the theater "STOP!! TURN AROUND!!"
The therapist opened my eyes. For all his faults, D is not a bad man and I'd be much better off trying to find peace within my marriage than to try to make peace after the marriage when others could be involved and D won't be as interested in finding peace too. And by the way, he was sitting right there during this session, never once disagreeing with her take on him.
I thought about the picture she painted long and hard until our next session and then I asked "OK, so how do I make this work without staying miserable. Can I find love again with this man?"
This time D wasn't there. And she said "write yourself a new story about who he is. "
This time D wasn't there. And she said "write yourself a new story about who he is. "
More on what that means in my next posting. Thanks for reading my blog today.
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