Today I have decided that I will start a blog to save my life. I’ve spent the last 2 years reflecting on what life after 40 is supposed to be like. Wondering what life in general is supposed to be like once you’ve taken the major mysteries of youth out of the way. When you’re young and single you are filled with questions and possibilities. You wonder what you’ll be when you grow up, who you’ll marry, how many kids you’ll have. What happens once those questions are answered and then you no longer have the time, energy or spirit to come up with new questions? And you’re only fortysomething. What is living supposed to be? Because I don’t think I’m doing it right. Not the way God intended.
I wake up I feed the kids, dress the kids, take one to school, go home and play with the other, put him down for nap, try to get in showering, working, cleaning, eating, email, and laundry while he sleeps, feed him when he wakes, pick up the other at school, help with homework, make dinner, play a little more and put kids to bed. By now I’m exhausted and ready for bed myself. I adore my children, and playtime is my favorite time of day, but did I mention I also run a business I’m not fond of and manage the household and finances. I have no time for me. No time to do things that feed my soul or make me feel good about myself. I'VE LEFT MYSELF OUT OF MY LIFE. By starving my spirit and depriving my soul, I feel like I’ve died a little inside. And everyday that I don’t do something to resuscitate that spirit, I fear I’ll die a little more inside.
So this blog will be a place where I can begin to figure out and document how to live again. Writing has always been a passion of mine. I will express my frustrations, share my revelations, and reach out to others who may be embarking on a similar journey to find themselves again. With all the difficulties I’ve been having lately, troubled marriage, dire finances, self image issues, parenting issues, dog issues, weight issues, I have to write. I’ll die if I don’t. I’ll die if I don’t give a voice to the thoughts in my head. And the struggles that life throws at you, but nobody dares talk about. I need to talk about those. I need to blog about those.
This is not the life I imagined I would have when I was a young girl still full of hope. There’s more out there and it’s up to me to find it, grab it and drag it home.
Today I will begin blogging - for my life.
Doing things to live your life is great but if you want to really live your life you must have a passion. I believe your's is writing. Log on you blog. Click New Post and write. Release your pent up feelings. Talk about things that really tell about you.
ReplyDeleteI commend you for taking all the steps you feel are necessary to work out in your head or by writing whether this marriage is for you and your children. I wish I had taken all those steps. What struck me most in this story was the fact that your husband sat there while the therapist basically told him what his life would be like should you divorce (with the new wife) and he made no comment. It seems to me he would be okay with things status quo...but that's not good enough for you. Nor, should it be.
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