Monday, February 22, 2010
About This Blog
I think it's important to mention a few things about this blog. Everything I write about is based on MY life, views and opinions. I am not here to judge the decisions that others make about their own marriages. I can only speak for what I believe is right for me and my situation. I also strongly believe that people that are in marriages that involve violence or substance abuse should seek appropriate professional help IMMEDIATELY - before even considering any kind of reconciliation. Lastly, even though I no longer believe that falling in love is something that just happens, I am a deeply spiritual person and believe that God puts people in our paths so that we may learn from each other and help each other get to the next level of personal growth. So, although I believe I chose D because of the dysfunctional family history I have, I also believe he and I are meant to learn something VITAL from each other. Regardless of whether we end up staying together forever, I know in my heart, we are not done yet.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
What is Love?
I knew a woman once that said she believed that falling in love with her husband was about two people being ready to settle down and wanting to be in love at the same time. She didn't believe in "soul mates" or finding the "right one" for her. She said anyone could be the "right one" given the right circumstances.
I remember feeling sorry for her because I thought she had just settled for this man that would now be in the way of her finding her Mr. Right. Yet she was happily married for several years at the time. I, on the other hand, was 30, single, and still waiting for Mr. right to come along. And then he did. Or so I thought.
Since my last post I've learned two very important things about myself and my situation.
Thing #1: We can decide to love again.
When I asked my therapist how I can rekindle love with my husband, she told me to write a new story about who he is. She explained that when we fall in love, we CHOOSE to do so. We find something in the person that we want and then we begin to write our story about them. Building upon it by gathering evidence to support our belief.
I always thought that love just happens and we can't help who we fall in or out of love with. That it was some kind of divine intervention. But after thinking it over the last few weeks I'm coming to realize that what she said makes sense. I thought about all the guys I dated and thought I had loved. I thought about what it was like when I first met D. I remember wanting him to be "the one". I was ready to settle down and start a family. So I took our physical attraction and the things we had in common and ran with it. Whenever I saw things in him I didn't like, I convinced myself it either wasn't there or that it would go away once we were married. (I know!)
Maya Angelou once said that "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time". D has shown me who he really was from the very beginning. But that didn't fit in with the kind of husband I thought I wanted. So, I covered my eyes. I didn't want to see it. And perhaps I wasn't supposed to see it. If we all could have a vision of what our spouses could be like in 10-20 years, would we still want to marry them? Would we ever even want to date them? If I had handed him a statement that said "in 10 years I'm going to be fat, irritable and blame you for every single thing that goes wrong in our lives", would he have called me again?
I think we are supposed to see our mates through rose colored glasses at first. We are supposed to be initially motivated by lust and physical attraction. That is how the human race multiplies. So what does that mean love is? I'm not sure yet. I think at first it's mostly fantasy and then when the veil is lifted, how we adapt and accept what we see, that's when real love begins. I think acceptance and compassion are the key.
I was so good at developing my story about who he was that I embellished it beyond recognition. I set unrealistic expectations on him based on what I wanted, not what he was capable of. Then, when the square peg refused to fit in the round hole, I became incredibly angry and disappointed.
The story I'd first created about him, disintegrated. I began to believe he wasn't the one. That he was, in fact, the complete opposite of "the one". I began a new story about who he was. Building upon it by gathering evidence to support my belief. I used the same process we go through when falling in love, to fall right out of love with him.
Thing #2: I've let him down just as much, if not more, than he let me down.
When I started to feel let down by him....it showed. I let him know how disappointed I was in him and he began to disappoint me more and more. It became a vicious cycle that led to dysfunction in both of us. If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness. The least attractive man in the world can feel like a god if he has a woman that sees him that way. Same goes if he thinks he's awful. The beliefs we are surrounded by influence the beliefs we have in ourselves. No matter how much self help stuff we learn about loving ourselves, I still think we are all about how we are seen. I am only as good as what the people that are important to me, think of me. That's human nature. And that's how I have let Darrell down. I have been mean, disrespectful and maybe even verbally abusive to him. All because I couldn't face the truth about who he is, years ago. He's not a bad person and I now realize that the majority of his dysfunctions were probably made ten times worse by my cruelty and lack of acceptance for who he was. When he did not live up to my expectations of what a man's role should be in a family, I lashed out at him.
When I think about the kind of men I want my sons to be one day, and I think about the wives I'd want for them, I would want them to offer each other acceptance, love and kindness as their "stories" about each other unravel. That is what I need to start giving Darrell if I want to save this marriage. And even if the marriage is unrepairable, I can still help D rebuild his self-confidence and I can walk away knowing I behaved honorably and treated him with the respect that he deserves.
I have to write a new story about who we both are.
I remember feeling sorry for her because I thought she had just settled for this man that would now be in the way of her finding her Mr. Right. Yet she was happily married for several years at the time. I, on the other hand, was 30, single, and still waiting for Mr. right to come along. And then he did. Or so I thought.
Since my last post I've learned two very important things about myself and my situation.
Thing #1: We can decide to love again.
When I asked my therapist how I can rekindle love with my husband, she told me to write a new story about who he is. She explained that when we fall in love, we CHOOSE to do so. We find something in the person that we want and then we begin to write our story about them. Building upon it by gathering evidence to support our belief.
I always thought that love just happens and we can't help who we fall in or out of love with. That it was some kind of divine intervention. But after thinking it over the last few weeks I'm coming to realize that what she said makes sense. I thought about all the guys I dated and thought I had loved. I thought about what it was like when I first met D. I remember wanting him to be "the one". I was ready to settle down and start a family. So I took our physical attraction and the things we had in common and ran with it. Whenever I saw things in him I didn't like, I convinced myself it either wasn't there or that it would go away once we were married. (I know!)
Maya Angelou once said that "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time". D has shown me who he really was from the very beginning. But that didn't fit in with the kind of husband I thought I wanted. So, I covered my eyes. I didn't want to see it. And perhaps I wasn't supposed to see it. If we all could have a vision of what our spouses could be like in 10-20 years, would we still want to marry them? Would we ever even want to date them? If I had handed him a statement that said "in 10 years I'm going to be fat, irritable and blame you for every single thing that goes wrong in our lives", would he have called me again?
I think we are supposed to see our mates through rose colored glasses at first. We are supposed to be initially motivated by lust and physical attraction. That is how the human race multiplies. So what does that mean love is? I'm not sure yet. I think at first it's mostly fantasy and then when the veil is lifted, how we adapt and accept what we see, that's when real love begins. I think acceptance and compassion are the key.
I was so good at developing my story about who he was that I embellished it beyond recognition. I set unrealistic expectations on him based on what I wanted, not what he was capable of. Then, when the square peg refused to fit in the round hole, I became incredibly angry and disappointed.
The story I'd first created about him, disintegrated. I began to believe he wasn't the one. That he was, in fact, the complete opposite of "the one". I began a new story about who he was. Building upon it by gathering evidence to support my belief. I used the same process we go through when falling in love, to fall right out of love with him.
Thing #2: I've let him down just as much, if not more, than he let me down.
When I started to feel let down by him....it showed. I let him know how disappointed I was in him and he began to disappoint me more and more. It became a vicious cycle that led to dysfunction in both of us. If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness. The least attractive man in the world can feel like a god if he has a woman that sees him that way. Same goes if he thinks he's awful. The beliefs we are surrounded by influence the beliefs we have in ourselves. No matter how much self help stuff we learn about loving ourselves, I still think we are all about how we are seen. I am only as good as what the people that are important to me, think of me. That's human nature. And that's how I have let Darrell down. I have been mean, disrespectful and maybe even verbally abusive to him. All because I couldn't face the truth about who he is, years ago. He's not a bad person and I now realize that the majority of his dysfunctions were probably made ten times worse by my cruelty and lack of acceptance for who he was. When he did not live up to my expectations of what a man's role should be in a family, I lashed out at him.
When I think about the kind of men I want my sons to be one day, and I think about the wives I'd want for them, I would want them to offer each other acceptance, love and kindness as their "stories" about each other unravel. That is what I need to start giving Darrell if I want to save this marriage. And even if the marriage is unrepairable, I can still help D rebuild his self-confidence and I can walk away knowing I behaved honorably and treated him with the respect that he deserves.
I have to write a new story about who we both are.
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